THE X-GENERATION

Introducing X-GEN

Its been quite a while since I ve been responsible for or to a woman. As in for long I haven’t had the pleasure or misery that comes with it. That of a woman feeling obliged to let me in on where she is and who she is with or having to explain where I go and whoever I go with respectively.

Being responsible for and to one another marks the hallmark of modern relationships. I say modern cos am sure none of you can recall hearing your mum ask your dad where he s coming from when he got home at 11p.m. That would even be an “abomination”, if am to go by a Niger movie writer choice of vocabulary.
So where were we, being responsible for and to one another. In a modern relationship, my chicca can damn well ask me where I was, what I was doing and who I was with like its no biggie. To cut the long story short, that’s the situation I find myself in. See, I don’t know whether it was by default or design, but all the chiccas I ve been with prior were laid back, they never really hassled me bout where I ve been and such like questions.

My current missus seems to be more inclined to stuff that went down in Beijing, I can almost swear if her mom wasn’t a delegate in that conference, her granny must ve been. On Sato she announced, “we re having a graduands dinner later this month and you are coming me with me”. Note she wasn’t asking, she was telling me nianze kujipanga. I feel like i have been ambushed and a small fight ensues and she grabs the opportunity to let me in on some of the “needs” am supposed to take care of as her man. I also get a list of the things that’s expected of me in the near future, the most scary one, “you ve got to meet my friends, then my brothers and sisters”.
Somehow someway I manage to push seeing family and friends further, later in the year.. So now I have 6 months to prep for meeting family and around 2 for the friends. I need schooling on this, i havent met "in laws" in ages, cant even recall how am supposed to carry myself.

Anyway, before I would ve sworn I d never let a chicca go as far as telling me what to do or when to do it. So i was sitting in the diggz trying to conjure up retaliation strategy, then it hits me, what are the chances of finding a drop dead gorgeous chicca who cooks, cleans like my mother, humble and apologizes for the slightest of mistakes, learned and cannot drink me and my boys under the table? My conclusion,if having to conform to a few clauses of the Beijing conference is what it takes to keep her around, count me in. In my view am one of the few men who have discovered there’s a new breed of chiccas/wife materials in town.

I have an older friend who once told me in today’s world when its time to look for a wife, I ll have to compromise. If I go for the urban suave cute educated swaggeriffic mamacitta I should be prepared to give up husband pleasures such as having my wife meet me at the door, ask me how my day was and then serves me good tea when I get home in the evening. He says if am to enjoy such pleasures I should strike Nakumatt, Uchumi and Tuskys off my shop spot list and try “supermarkets” in Bungoma, Awendo, Mumias, Mbeere, Nyeri or Muranga. If you re reading this am guessing you re smart enough to know what I mean.

I cant wait to meet him and tell him there is a new breed of chiks who were brought up in mashinani, came to University or to work in Nairobi, got pimped up as in got to know what to wear when and where, she learnt how to talk and walk with a swag but still has a service and catering diploma from her mothers kitchen as far as tabias and cooking are concerned. The kind that tells you they were born in Kangema dispensary, went to Kangema primary school, then Kangema Girls High school and you go like nooooo waaaay, cos they are as cute as they come, walk and talk like a chicca who went to St Georges Primary then State House Girls and USIU. Just that they can cook clean and do all the things that you saw your mum do as you grew up. Look for this new breed and you have no compromise to make.

LORD FORGIVE OUR IGNORANCE

Wouldn’t it have been ridiculously funny if modern media was available during bible times I can jus imagine the headlines on Jerusalem Daily:

JUDAS ISCARIOT TAKEN TO COURT OVER CORRUPTION ALLEGATIONS:
Anti – corruption officials today questioned and charged Mr. Iscariot over allegations that he received irregular payments from the synagogue coffers; on contacting the Pharisees spokes person, he denied all knowledge of the said allegations.

SODOM AND GOMORRAH BURNED DOWN
The once sin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were razed to the ground, in a shocking spate of random fires through out the two cities, causing damage worth millions and leaving many homeless. Residents who survived the fire are asking for the government’s assistance in rebuilding their homes and businesses. The Police spokesman claims this was prophesied in the scriptures and not arson as most of the residents claim to be.

MAN FOUND ALIVE AFTER BEING SWALLOWED BY FISH
A man was found alive and well yesterday after spending three days inside the fish’s belly. We could not immediately ascertain his claims as the large fish was not available for questioning. The man only identified as Jonah was taken to hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

THE INTEGRITY OF THE THREE WISE MEN QUESTIONED
Critics have brought into question the integrity of the three wise men after they traveled long distances to visit the messiah bearing impractible gifts of gold, incense and myrrh
for the day old baby Jesus. Surely blankets, baby clothes or a proper baby cot would have served as better gifts one was quoted saying.



NOAH BREAKS GUINNESS SHIP BUILDING RECORD
In unconfirmed reports renowned ship builder Noah says he is going to build the biggest floating object ever known to man. He plans to use the craft in attempts to and we quote “ save humanity and most of the worlds plant and animal species except the dinosaurs ” in a statement from his office he said dinosaurs are too dumb and too expensive to survive and maintain in the new world in other words they suck worse than mosquitoes and bedbugs. He added that the titanic is not worth shit compared to the Noah 1. After watching the blockbuster movie The Titanic he says he has learnt a lot, and thanks to Spielberg he has made a few improvements such as the laser gun on the ships bow which in his words “will melt icebergs like little ice cubes in unnaturally hot Mexican tea.” And I ain’t going down with this ship I have a getaway helicopter just incase we hit a really really hard rock..

SAMSON AND DELILAH SEPARATE OVER HAIRY ISSUES.
Samson the once feared strongman of Israel announced their break up with the Philistine hottie Delilah, over what he termed as inconsiderable differences. In response Delilah claims her former fiancé is mentally unsound and gave her pubic lice hence forcing her to shave all his body hair to get rid of the lice, which in turn broke the Nazarite oath he had with god, oops!! But he badly needed a makeover think he looks more hansom with short hair. A heart broken Samson had this to say; So lord help me Im go kill that stupid bitch and all her relatives, knew I shouldn’t have trusted that dumb blond with my secrets…

To be continued….